Not Lonely, Just Alone

No Service Charge For Singles - Perk Or Painful Reminder?!

Image: Arranging Summer Blooms, Delphin Enjolras

Courtesy of Artvee

So there I was, sat at the Asian franchise restaurant with the seafront view where I’d become accustomed to having my late lunches since I began my Sabbatical/job search/self-development/healing/mid-life-crisis endeavour in a city on the Southcoast of England circa 6 weeks ago. I’d gotten used to the obligatory “Table for one”? and the somewhat quizzical look I’d receive from the restaurant personnel when entering establishments and standing around rather awkwardly at the entrance, not wanting to ignore the „Please wait to be seated“ sign, yet at the same time feeling like I’m on display (which I am not, I’m aware… All that uncertainty is being triggered by the insecurities in my own head as I’ve read in countless self-help books written for single women like myself in their 30s, 40s and beyond, but that knowledge hasn’t made me much less self-conscious when in these situations)… I hadn’t quite gotten the hang of sitting all alone in one of the rows of long tables that are standard at this restaurant. They are actually one of the reasons I like dining there because when the place is packed, you can be certain there will always be enough people seated around you so that it doesn’t seem like you’re eating out alone. You could just as well be part of the party of 3 sitting next to and in front of you. No one will ever really notice that you’re the only one not engaged in whatever conversation the party happens to be having…

Unfortunately, that day was a rather slow weekday afternoon, so the waiter appointed with the task of leading patrons to their tables had the option of spreading things out a little. When someone finally arrived to seat me, I said a silent prayer for him to please put me in one of the booths against the back wall (because I’ve come to realise that you’re pretty inconspicuous there too), but no chance. They only let you have a booth as a single on reeeeaaalllly slow days, so it came as I had dreaded – he lead me to one of the long tables set up in rows directly in the middle of the restaurant… When I sat down, there were two older gentlemen a couple of seats down who were just finishing up their meals, which kind of kept my anxiety at a bearable level, but, despite all my efforts to will them into having dessert, one of them soon flagged down a member of staff asking for the check, so I knew the inevitable moment where I would be seated at this huge long table, made to accommodate at least 12 people, all alone was near…

So, as mentioned, there I was, all alone… No one was paying particular attention to me, but I still felt as if all eyes were upon me, nonetheless. The ironic thing is, I enjoy dining out alone because I like observing people and being out alone gives you the opportunity to fully dive into that because you’re not distracted by whomever is accompanying you and their (sometimes banal) chit chat, but I don’t care much for being under observation myself and never can shake the feeling that I am when I’m alone somewhere, so you can imagine that it’s quite the inner battle I’ve got going on in instances like these... After I’d placed my order (with a starter… I don’t know why I insist upon prolonging this entire experience by having a starter AND a main), I did what probably many do in such situations – I got out my phone and started pretending to be engaged in the task of tending to messages (I did have a few messages and notifications, but nothing I felt like reading or responding to immediately) and acted as though it’s completely normal for an attractive, 40 year-old woman like myself to be the only person having lunch all alone in a restaurant (which again, I’m aware actually is normal… It’s not that out of the ordinary but those damn insecurities again…) As I’m having my meal, I take in the people and scenarios around me – couples and mums with their children, big cliques of girls and guys chatting and laughing, couples without children (at least for the moment or for that day), grandparents and their grandchildren – all scenarios I’m not even certain I’d enjoy for myself… Yet I still feel alone – not lonely, alone – in this restaurant, on this journey, in this life…

As I finished my main course (mackerels on kimchi-fried brown rice – exquisite!), I actually contemplated ordering dessert (I don’t know if somewhere inside me lives a masochist who enjoys doing this to herself?!), but decided against it (I only splurge on unnecessary calories on weekends) and ordered the check instead. The waiter who brought it over, a young Asian student with very dark eyes and a soft demeanour, was exceptionally friendly to me as I swiped my credit card across the machine. “So any nice plans for the rest of the afternoon”? he asked me with a genuine smile. It really did seem like he was asking because he was interested and not just to be kind… Although I wondered if he asked because he noticed I was alone and was curious if that was the norm for me (those insecurities…). “No, none, not with this rainy, windy weather”… (I love how you can prevent any conversation from becoming uncomfortable and awkward by simply referring to the weather in England)… “Oh I completely understand”, he replied, “nice afternoon to just relax”! As he turned to leave, I took one last glance at my bill and realised there was no service charge. I halted him, “You forgot the service charge”! I exclaimed. He stopped, turned back to face me, glimpsed at my bill and replied, “Oh no, we usually don’t apply the service charge for singles”, he said, smiling warmly at me one last time before turning around and proceeding to leave...

Huh! As many times as I’d eaten here in the last weeks, I’d never noticed… What luck that I’m alone!